I take of my glasses and this is what I see, a blurry world but what’s in front of me. Surrounded by the craziness of the world around me, I wonder how I really see the world I have in front of me. On one hand I can see the world very clear when I have my glasses on, and when I have my glasses off the blurriness of the world comes before me. Is it not crazy how the same person has two different views of the world and with the assistance I can see the world in a clear way the way that others see the world. Confused I wondered why my vision is so blurry and of course there is a medical reason to why (astigmatism) but I wondered if there was much more to it. With looking into more than the bigger picture I realized that maybe the way that I see without my glasses is something really big about me.
Then I started to think in one of my darkest moments how I was going to come out of this? I did not know how, I was afraid to think of trying to get out, I wanted the easy route, the pain to go away the thoughts to stop. And in the darkest moments of the tears running down my face, having a panic attack as if I just got pulled out of the water from drowning. Gasping for air, terrified of everything my glasses fall to the floor, when I go to pick them up I can tell how bad my anger my tears have gotten to my eyes and I know they are going to be a deep red from it all. Lightheaded I go to put on my glasses but before I do I stop and look in front of me and I see, the light in the weirdest of places. I saw my reflection, and without my glasses I saw how blurry everything around me is and my only focus is on what is in front of me, my reflection.
I saw how torn I am, how bad I have let myself get, how much the darkness has consumed me. How can I battle it all by myself? Am I strong enough? Can I even do it? I was getting overwhelmed with everything that was going on with the world around me that I forgot to pay attention to what was right in front of me. Myself. I lost who I was, I became someone that I was not, I let the words of others, the influence of other people around me take control of who I was. For what? To be put down by every one , was it their fear of who I could become that made it so they said or did those things? Whatever it was I knew that the only was for me to ever come out of this is to know who I really was. What made me who I was? The reason for me to live was to find the person I lost no matter the journey. I knew that not only would this distract me from what was going on, but just like how my vision is blurry and I chose to focus on what was in front of me is what made the difference at the end.
As my journey started I saw that finding me, was finding the light. I know that finding the light within you will be a dark journey. Finding who you are is accepting the things that are wrong with you and talking about it to those. It is not keeping the pain in anymore and going to seek that help you need. Help can be therapy or talking to someone at a stop sign whatever it is. The voice that you have means more than the pain you keep in. No one knows what goes inside our heads and no one should ever put us down for talking about what bothers us, for what keeps us up at night, for what drives us crazy! Talk to find yourself, even talk to yourself if you need to I know I do it every single day, I am even doing it as I read this in my head! Be your own best friend first! See you on the other side!!!